Depression is funny, both the 'ha ha' and something-to-think-about kind of funny. I've danced the depression tango many a time. Looking back on my 36 years, I think the better part of my childhood was spent being depressed, but unobservant caregivers failed to diagnose, perhaps because they were depressed too. In any case, my last serious bout saw me collapsing (literally, not figuratively) around my apartment, jumping on the medication bandwagon and talking about my feelings with a very nice lady who more often than not made me feel better about myself.
So, with all this experience in place I'm kicking myself now for opening the door a crack and letting the bastard back into my mental domicile. Crap, just like Dracula he wouldn't have come in unless I had invited him. Now I've got permanent hickeys on my neck and there's never a clove of garlic in the cupboard when I'm making puttanesca...figures.
Within 24 hours the uncontrollable crying jags are back, along with the deafening negative self-talk and a fatigue that not even salmon should feel after a hard spawn. What's a girl to do? Well, find some employment, that would be a start. God, there's just nothing better than looking for work while experiencing a crippling round of near clinical depression. The constant rejection and absentee self-validation is just ten times better when coupled with deficient serotonin.
Second, there's that old bugaboo, exercise. I know what a magic cure-all that one is, but not being able to fit into most of my regular, walking around pants doesn't make me any more confident or attractive in my gym attire. 'Hey, look at the lard ass in her yoga pants! Ewww!' I know I know, no one is going to say that out loud, that's just me commenting on my own reflection in the mirror.
Also on the list of things to do is not to bottle up and isolate myself. Talk about feelings, reach out to others, stay occupied, etc. This will have to include staying away from the newly discovered tvshack.com...damn you Zach Braff! Scrubs and all its time-wasting glory for FREE! (But really, I watch out of habit now more than anything else...Jesus, that show is really kinda insufferable...eesh.)
Okay, I have an agenda to eject 'D' from the house. Right after I take my third nap of the day, I'm gonna get right on it.
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4 comments:
I just wanted to tell you that this came at the perfect time to give insight to a friend of mine who is also dancing with Mr. D
I'm glad of that...those of us who are unwilling participants in a dance-off with the partner who constantly steps on our toes must stick together.
chin up, chip up...
from the same dark hole, i hope you can hop out and then share the secret.
Oh man, I'm sorry to hear this. You will be be fine and you are great. I read the post that follows first, so it sounds like you're doing better, and I'm glad for that.
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